{"id":463,"date":"2020-04-14T17:34:20","date_gmt":"2020-04-14T15:34:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/?p=463"},"modified":"2020-04-20T09:27:08","modified_gmt":"2020-04-20T07:27:08","slug":"why-do-we-have-affairs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/blog\/2020\/04\/14\/why-do-we-have-affairs\/","title":{"rendered":"Why do we have affairs? Causes. Types. Healing therapy."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Why do we have affairs? Causes. Types. Healing therapy.<\/h1><\/div>\r\n\r\n\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\r\n\t\t<\/div><\/div><\/div>\r\n\t\t
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The history of infidelity dates back at least to ancient times. Although in many cultures and countries views on what constitutes infidelity are very different, for most people its effects are devastating. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the same time, fidelity and monogamy are considered the foundation of marriage in Western culture. The well-known psychotherapist Esther Perel[1]<\/sup><\/a> describes it as follows: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

fidelity is now a choice, an expression of priority and loyalty. By giving up other lovers, we confirm the uniqueness of our chosen one. \u201cI\u2019ve found the One, so I don\u2019t have to look anymore.\u201d Monogamy is the sacred cow of the romantic ideal, for it is the marker of our specialness. And unfaithfulness is like saying \u201cYou\u2019re not that wonderful\u201d. It will smash to pieces the great desire for love.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Not only is it devastating to violate the moral contract of sexual exclusivity between partners, but there is also a loss of trust, fraud and betrayal of the common values on which the relationship is built. Apparently, unfaithfulness makes infidelity extremely painful because it consists of someone deliberately using fraud to violate established expectations or limits of the original relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today, it is difficult even to define what betrayal is. Physical adultery, emotional fraud, virtual dating or cybersexuality, which may or may not include pornography, are just some of the terms that fall under the heading of infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, despite inconsistent definitions and different meanings for the construction of betrayal, in order to heal the trauma of the bond, we need to understand the reasons that led to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr Scott Woolley created the concept of \u201cAffairs drivers\u201d. He divided them into three categories, concerned with: relationship dynamics<\/span><\/strong>, life stresses and relationship distance<\/span><\/strong>, intrapsychic factors<\/span>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of betrayal relationship dynamics<\/span><\/strong> are protest or revenge<\/strong> against partner for their previous lack of availability or hurting. Infidelity can also be an attempt to attract partner closer, a come and get me <\/strong>cry, in which evoking jealousy is to test your partner how important he or she is. Another reason may be burned out exsit<\/strong>, when the affair may be a way to end the current relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Betrayal, which is associated with life stresses and relationship distance<\/span><\/strong>, is a kind of escape from life<\/strong>. It is an attempt to avoid problems at work, in the family, in marriage, or the feeling that we  have become unhappy with ourselves. When partners are far away from each other, in case of life problems, it is difficult to ask the partner for consolation and comfort, it is much easier to escape into the emotions of romance. It can be very difficult to interrupt it, because each bond, both relationship and affair, has a different function, and in both cases there can be loyalty and love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The third group consists of intrapsychic factors<\/span><\/strong>. Here, Dr. Woolley mentions a hedge fund affair <\/strong>when, for fear of abandonment and loneliness, it is good to have someone in the back, on the side. For power players<\/strong>, short, emotionally unrelated betrayals can be an attempt to gain a sense of security through domination and control. Such partners often seek power in other areas, too. The last type on this list are compulsive affair<\/strong>. These are attempts to relax, unwind, and anaesthetise, through the compulsive use of pornography, the services of prostitutes or strip clubs. Such betrayals often have the features of behavioural addiction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, people rarely allow themselves to be locked into simple categories, so when thinking about a particular couple, we can find several motivators at once in their history.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is there a chance for couples who have experienced the trauma of betrayal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my therapeutic practice, I have been working for years with couples in a crisis of infidelity. When treating couples, in office<\/a> or online<\/a>, sometimes for the first time we can talk deeply with the person we love and raise issues such as fidelity and loyalty, desire and longing, jealousy and possessiveness, truth and forgiveness. I also meet partners individually, so I have a unique opportunity to learn about the experience of the cheating side, not just the suffering of the betrayed side. To help the suffering couple, in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)<\/a>, we use a model of bond trauma removal that sets out the key stages of processing and solving traumatic emotions associated with betrayal and abandonment. This way, it allows for forgiveness and reconciliation, which is the basis for the repair of common life by couples who have decided to fight for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

April 10th 2020<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

text: Barbara S\u0142awik editorial: theodoros balopoulos<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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[1]<\/sup><\/a> Esther Perel \u2013 \u201eThe state of affair. Rethinking Infidelity\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Why do we have affairs? Causes. Types. Healing therapy. The history of infidelity dates back at least to ancient times. Although in many cultures and countries views on what constitutes infidelity are very different, for most people its effects are devastating. At the same time, fidelity and monogamy are considered the foundation of marriage in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":464,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-463","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bez-kategorii"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/463","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=463"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/463\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":477,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/463\/revisions\/477"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/464"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=463"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=463"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=463"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}