{"id":829,"date":"2025-07-16T16:56:53","date_gmt":"2025-07-16T14:56:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/?p=829"},"modified":"2025-07-16T16:56:55","modified_gmt":"2025-07-16T14:56:55","slug":"the-fire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/blog\/2025\/07\/16\/the-fire\/","title":{"rendered":"The Fire"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The Fire<\/h1><\/div>\r\n\r\n\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\r\n\t\t<\/div><\/div><\/div>\r\n\t\t
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Have you ever had a session in which you could not<\/em> keep the cycle from escalating? You try everything – you interrupt, move your chair closer, plead with the couple \u201cWe need to go slow!\u201d This just happened to me. And, yes – it still happens, even after almost 20 years of doing this. I don\u2019t know if that makes you feel better or worse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what I (re)learned:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What you do during the cycle that just won\u2019t stop makes a huge difference. It doesn\u2019t make you feel better, and the session doesn\u2019t end with a tidy bow. However, if you stay engaged and never leave the attachment frame – it actually sinks in. The sessions that continue working after the hour is up can be some of the most powerful. This is a paradigm shift. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staying engaged and not leaving the client or the model is your goal – this is more important than being able to have a successful enactment or your couple softening into tender emotions.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The tender emotions will happen on their own, and sometimes you don\u2019t get to witness it. This is a selfless act we\u2019re called to! Can you stay engaged even when you don\u2019t get immediate relief in your nervous system?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m writing this post so I can remember: the next time I have a session I can\u2019t slow down – I want to trust that the process and myself in it works even when I can\u2019t see or feel it. Usually I replay the session and look for ways I could have attuned better, interrupted faster, set up a more clear enactment, etc, etc. I\u2019ll paint a picture for you with a story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a couple that had traveled from another state to do an intensive with me. The stakes were high. Their relationship was on the line and they had invested a lot for a \u201cmiracle.\u201d Side note – I\u2019ve had to work really hard not to resent the constant pressure I\u2019m under to save relationships with decades of a rigid cycle that never got proper help. It\u2019s a balance of compassion, tough skin and realistic expectations. When I get some wins, it makes everything feel better. The opposite is also true: high pressure and seeming failure = this can make me want to quit therapy forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I left the awful session wondering if I missed something in the consult. Should I have taken this couple for an intensive? Do they not have the safety to do this kind of work?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I tried to shake it off on the drive home. When I tried to transition to family time, I felt preoccupied and I hated feeling that way. I went to bed early, had trouble sleeping and woke up the next morning with dread. Whenever I don\u2019t want to go to work, I imagine what the couple feels as they\u2019re waiting to see me. I remember how scared they are, how much they\u2019re risking and what a lifeline their bond actually is. This helps sometimes. Other times I just put my game face on and go. I know no amount of self talk will actually change how I feel. This was one of those times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On day 3 of the intensive, the morning after the \u201cbad\u201d session – my couple came in smiling and sitting closer on the couch. What?! Who is this couple and what did they do with the terrors that sat in this same spot?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They repaired on their own<\/em> in the hotel room the night before! They were able to hold on to some of my attachment frames and prioritize their connection over the problem they were trying to solve. What?! I couldn\u2019t believe it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was a topic they had never been able to successfully tackle together and they finally did. Not only that – they had a clear picture of what their cycle is and how it takes over – keeping them from being able to talk about important things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes I think we don\u2019t trust our couples enough. I know we often don\u2019t trust the model enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s the thing – I\u2019m at a point in my career that I really don\u2019t leave the model. I don\u2019t have any other circus tricks. I keep doing what I know. Somewhere in the back of my brain, I remember EFT works even when things are bad. And, I remember that \u201cworking\u201d doesn\u2019t mean a couple always stays together. I have no agenda other than staying true to myself, the model and trying to stay as close to my couple and their experience as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, it surprised me that even with that solid trust in the model – I still doubted myself and really thought the session was a complete failure. Was it because I remain open?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we\u2019re open enough to be attuned, guess what? We get hurt. I don\u2019t think that will ever stop. When I go into the fire of a couples cycle, I get burned. When I can\u2019t rescue my couple from the fire, it doesn\u2019t matter how good of a job I did trying – all I care about is the relief they feel when they repair. So, I guess I choose to be hurt. Because I want to be open enough to continue to genuinely go into the fire. That sounds crazy doesn\u2019t it? Why do we choose to go into the fire again and again – without a guarantee of a win?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But you get it, right? The wins are like nothing else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep going, stay open – allow yourself to be hurt. Your tolerance for the hurt followed by some wins – that comes with time. The hurt is remedied by seeing the model work again and again. The only way that can happen is if you stay in it – even when it feels like the wheels are coming off. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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July 15th 2025<\/mark><\/p>\n\n\n\n

text: Kelly Bourque picture: k\u043e\u043d\u0441\u0442\u0430\u043d\u0442\u0438\u043d<\/mark><\/mark><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kelly Bourque is certified by ICEEFT EFT Therapist and Supervisor, she is offering a subscription to SUPERPOWER ALLIANCE<\/a>, breaking down interventions in bite-sized learning chunks. You\u2019ve probably seen her videos about it. She would love to have you join her!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>\r\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\r\n\t\t<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Fire Have you ever had a session in which you could not keep the cycle from escalating? You try everything – you interrupt, move your chair closer, plead with the couple \u201cWe need to go slow!\u201d This just happened to me. And, yes – it still happens, even after almost 20 years of doing this. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":830,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-829","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bez-kategorii"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=829"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":831,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829\/revisions\/831"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/830"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=829"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=829"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalia.pl\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=829"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}