“You don’t develop, you go back.” – Is it true? On development and self-esteem in children and adults.

We often hear that someone has low or high self-esteem. The guides for parents are full of tips on how to effectively ensure your child’s high self-esteem so that his or her life is full of success. However, a direct and constant emphasis on raising self-esteem can be harmful. 

Self-esteem, like any evaluation, is based on highlighting differences between people and emphasizing one’s own uniqueness. I agree with psychotherapist Paweł Holas that “the result of increasing children’s self-esteem is an increase in narcissistic culture, prejudice and peer violence. Because self-esteem is cool until something goes wrong. If something doesn’t work out for me, I’ll fail, or say some nonsense, it’s a sense of defeat that triggers an avalanche of self-accusation, evaluation, comparison.”^[1]

Power of acceptance and self-awareness

Then how to support and work with child? It is worth to build an adequate image of oneself in it. Accepting that there are areas where I am good and areas where I don’t necessarily do well. Both these parts are fine. What is more important than high self-esteem is to know what I am, what I am talented for and what I have to put a lot of effort into; what makes me happy and what I have to motivate myself to do.

How to help the little man to build such awareness? We can do this at school, for example, by accepting that our child does not have to have high grades from top to bottom. By allowing for a variety of grades, we allow to discover where your strengths are, and where you only need to learn the necessary minimum. I know many dramas of exemplary students who have no idea what they want to do in life because they have not fully met themselves, and the testimony with the red bar tells them nothing about themselves.

Failure vs. praise

It is also worth not being afraid to confront a child with failures. So many articles have been written about not criticizing children that some parents – in good faith – use only praise. And this is the other side of the same coin. If we do not show the child that doing something wrong, or losing in the game, is something normal, he or she will start to feel the fear of failure and seek praise at all costs.

Let’s imagine a little child who has artistic talent. Satisfied brings his work to the guardians, who are delighted with the talent that is revealed. Are all works unique? No. Is it worth talking about it? Yes. The most important thing is to be authentic and to show the child that we react sincerely. If you really like the work, let’s say so, and if another time it’s less careful or not consistent with the subject or intention, let’s share it too. The first reaction can be anger, grief, sadness, and that is natural, but using personal language: “I see”, “I like it”, “it speaks less to me”, we build trust in the child and show that not always the result must be great for his efforts to be valuable. The result is an attitude to the process of learning, creation and the courage to take challenges. 

What has development to do with self-compassion?

How about development in general? Do we, as adults already, have to keep on, like children, constantly improve, push forward, gain new peaks, certificates, references? Here too, acceptance, self-awareness and self-esteem are more valuable. The desire for continuous development is associated with the lack of acceptance for who and what I am at the moment. Therefore, it is worth to start from agreeing with oneself, and only then focus on possible development.

Talking and listening about successes is easy, but stories of failures are much more enriching. At the same time, what usually appears in us when something doesn’t work out – I fail or say some nonsense – is a sense of defeat that triggers an avalanche of self-recrimination, judgement, comparison. To avoid falling into this spiral you need self-pity As Miłosz Brzeziński writes, “the point is not to cut ourselves off from compassion and forbearance. Both towards ourselves and others. To treat ourselves with forbearance as a friend or a person we are kind to. Without having to place ourselves higher than the rest, or any comparison.”^[2]

People with self-compassion not only stand on their own feet after stress, but also learn more easily. People are interested in weaknesses, mistakes or drawbacks, because they tell us much more about us than successes alone. In order to see it and benefit from it, you need above all awareness and acceptance of your weaknesses. It is important to have the consent to be where you are. Life can be pleasant and easy, it can be difficult and painful, but it is always valuable.What connects self-esteem and development is the acceptance of my limitations as well as the limitations of the people around me. Self-awareness and development is about boundaries and avoiding exaggeration. Development is not only a constant longing for the ‘new’ and acquiring new skills and competences, constantly improving what already exists. It is also about discovering yourself and maturing to accept your life as it is today. 

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May 28th 2020

text: Barbara Sławik picture: Sergey Pesterev

^[1] Wysokie obcasy 24.03.2020 – Kochaj siebie samego jak bliźniego swego

^[2] Miłosz Brzeziński – Wy wszyscy moi Ja